While we wait for the drugs to kick in…
Let’s chat a bit, shall we? It has been, as my favorite boss ever pointed out this evening, fucking forever since I posted. Here, that is. (I’ve been posting here, here, one place I’m not linking to from here, and eventually will come up with something to post here).
It’s been an eventful month. I had plans of getting through graduation, getting all the people out of my house, finishing up some projects and then relaxing with books, baseball, poker, beer, polishing my resume and deciding where I wanted to start a new career. And the Monday after graduation, after having seen April and Heather off, it looked like I was finally getting my chance to do it. And then the phone rang.
Very long story short, my mother was in the hospital for about a month, and I, having nothing to keep me from doing so, essentially moved back home to Houston to trek to the medical center daily and sit by her side. Contrary to what I always said would happen should I be forced to move back home, no one was killed, however there were many many tears and much of those adult discussions that people have when suddenly the road you thought your life was cruising down is washed away. And now mom is home and doing fine. And I use that word because I seem to have no other word. Stop me outside the ICU and ask me how I am? “Fine.” Catch me in IRC once I figured out that Methodist hospital had free wi-fi and ask how I was holding up? “Fine.” Eventually I reached a point where my answer was “I don’t know”, because I didn’t. I might not have been able to open up and ask for help, but at least I wasn’t lying anymore.
I have some very good friends who put up with my internalizing, shut-out the rest of the world, I can take care of it all myself attitude. I am lucky to have a best friend that will make the 2.5 hour drive to Houston at the moment I say “please”, and that he’ll even let my shed-prone dog hitch a ride in his luxury car backseat. I have family that will show up in the waiting room with Greek food and scare the ICU nurses with their stories of draining the morphine drip in 20 minutes. I have friends who share their lives and distract me without even knowing it was needed. And I have Scott, who offered a simple job that turned into an awesome opportunity, one that takes worry from my mother and father, gives me time to wait and see, and makes me feel like that $30,000 in student loans wasn’t entirely for waste.
And I have this little spot of the intarwebs that I’ve been ignoring for too long. I have my reasons. I needed to pull back for a bit and go someplace where I could try to get back what blogging brought to me in the first place. It didn’t really work. And I think I now know why. I have let this blog and the act of blogging take on a life of its own. At some point, I put rules on it all, and went entirely against the founding principle of this site; the one I had when I sat on my back porch years ago and came up with the blog title – that this was never going to be a blog entirely about poker. That it would always be, first and foremost, about me. Poker just happened to be a very big part of me. You never came here for poker insight. You never came here for hand histories. I’m not sure I know entirely why you did come here, but I think it was me. Something I said, some smartass remark I made, some time I insulted Waffles, some dumb story about what the cat did. This blog started as being all about me, and there was never a reason for it to change. No one asked me to. I just unconsciously decided it was needed, and let it keep me away, and ran off to find some other place to rant and rage. And then a post from Maudie turned on the lightbulb to how dumb that was. Like she, I’ve missed y’all. It’s far too quiet in IRC these days, and does anyone else miss the late-night insane blogger tables at Party? Can we do that again? What I realized, thanks to Miss Maudie’s nudge, is that you’ve been here all along… it was me that pulled away, and I didn’t even know it was happening. I do that sometimes. Perhaps we can explore exactly why in future late-night ramblings. But for now, it’s sleepy time.
This time I promise I won’t stray too far away.