When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear

Posted by in Pokerish

-Mark Twain

I’m not sure what black cat crossed my path, what God I managed to piss off, or what crime I committed against humanity, but the past few days have seen me walking around with a Level 5 storm cloud over my head.

I’m not a big tilter. You can crack my aces with your three-outer on the river and I’m generally OK with it. No screaming. No crying. Perhaps an internal “fucking idiot” said along with a few other choice phrases, but in general, I can brush it off and get on with the next hand.

So as in poker, so as in real life. I can take a lot – rudeness, general assholerly, inept service, etc. – and smile, say “no problem” and go on about my day. I’ve always thought that quite nice of me – an understanding of the problems of my fellow man, and knowledge that me being a bitch because the guy in front of me at the grocery store picked the one cereal that food stamps don’t allow, therefore resulting in the checker having to leave her post to secure the right cereal, thereby prolonging my time in what is quite likely the worst grocery store in all of existence…….deep breath……doesn’t do anyone any good.

However, I do have a breaking point. I suppose, much like the “serenity now” chanters, that all this “niceness” simply represses anger, etc. in me until I can’t hold it in any more. It only takes one little old lady repeatedly calling me “lady” in the most exasperated tone her little lungs could muster to push me over the edge and trigger the very strong desire to reach through the phone and slap her, much like a man on a New York subway. From then on I will be furious with stupid drivers, a relatively innocent dog, and jars that won’t open. Web sites take too long to load? Green light too short? Dog walks over my bare feet with his claws? I’m outraged. I’ve always been easily annoyed and have a patience level of…..something that has no patience. But under the tilt cloud, it’s magnified to disturbing proportions. Put simply, I’m not the best company to be around right now. (Something I’m sure Dan is thrilled to hear).

And again, as is in life, is in poker. I had the outlines of a post ready to be filled in – about how I’m not sure I really have what it takes for this game, how I’m tired of all the “lessons” (read: losses) I’ve been getting, and how I feel like I’m actually moving backward in my development as a player. But even as I wrote the outline, I knew it sounded like I was throwing myself the world’s biggest pity party, and that’s not what I wanted. It wasn’t what I felt either – I knew that each fear/worry/complaint I had could easily be traced back to me – some aspect of my personality, history, etc. It’s something I’m still mulling over, and I’m sure you’ll hear all about it when I’m done. But for now, I thought I would fill you in as to why I’ve been a bit absent as of late. At least I have enough sense to keep away from the tables while in this condition. Aside from that very brief appearance I made last night. Anyone wanna guess how that went?

Along with the mega-tilt, there is the school aspect that keeps me away as well. I’ve spent most of my evening trying desperately to find a class that meets degree requirements and takes place at a reasonable time; to no avail. At some point during the registration process last fall, I changed out the 11am Spanish class I had selected for a 9am class. While I don’t recall being completely stoned out of my mind at any point last semester, clearly it occured. I’m not sure what my thought process was with that decision, but I know myself well enough to be able to hazard a guess. “Can’t miss that class, so it’ll force me to get up early and get a start on my day!!” Delirium I tell you. I have never been a morning person; shamelessly ignoring company policy at my previous corporate job and routinely arriving at my office no earlier than 9am despite the fact that the day clearly began at 8. Hey, it was 8 somewhere. At any rate, it now appears I will need to become a morning person. A recently arrived (today, in fact) Christmas present to myself should help in that regard. Ah, a stimulant – just what the angry woman needs! In addition to my early Spanish class I have two government classes – one with an excellent professor whom I adore; the other with a woman who I am fairly certain is certifiable. I’ll leave out identifying details as I’m becoming quite easy to find via the blog these days, but after reading reviews of her from fellow students, I know this is not just tilty me arriving at this conclusion. I’m assured the class is an easy A, but with the circus-like atmosphere, I’m not sure it’s worth it.

Lately I’ve been playing “guess what I bought” with a few friends, since there is no way in the world they could ever guess, and I enjoy the feeling of superiority that comes from making someone toss out random suggestions in a futile attempt at success, all for my amusement. (Please make sure your sarcasm filter is properly in place when visiting this blog. Thank you! -MNGT).

I won’t make you guess. No, I’ll tell you, so that you may laugh at me. Laugh at me while you’re secretly jealous, wishing you had thought of the idea first. Let me just say it’s amazing the things you stumble on when you do a Google image search. Despite the suggestions that the scent would be anything from smoke, desperation, chips, Mike Tyson, tears, and any other negative casino-related thing you can think of, I am pleased to report that it’s actually quite nice. I wore it today in fact. And then, as I was putting the top back on the bottle, I dropped it in the toilet. *Sigh* Tilt always hurts the ones we love…

There are still a few things that don’t make me angry, namely the successes of people I love. So congrats to the beautiful factgirl, the charming BadBlood, the “oh look, i won a tourney, it must be Tuesday” CJ, and – someone who has way too many embarrasing stories about me – my friend Julianna, who won her first poker tournament this evening. Well done guys, well done.