Posted by in Pokerish

“Writer’s block is the greatest side effect of boredom” – Jason Zebehazy

This post would be a lot better if the buzz from the bottle of wine I had tonight hadn’t worn off. But it has, so it’s back to me staring at the little white entry box in MovableType, trying hard to put words together into an appropriately eloquent sentence, and coming up short yet again.

To write well about something, one needs to have passion for the topic – a true interest, dedication, and connection. Lately posting here has become similar to writing a term paper – I have no focus, no real desire, and am easily distracted. Just right now I wandered off when an e-mail came in pointing me to a reminder of family Christmases past. The urge to say “bah” and shut the lid on the laptop and go to sleep is strong – but if I do that, I lay there with those elusive perfect sentences floating around my head, taunting me with my inability to capture them forever.

At the moment, I’m not passionate about, devoted to, or feel particulary connected to poker. I’ve tried. I feel like playing is something I’m supposed to do. Can’t get better if I don’t practice. Have nothing to write about if I don’t play. Sit down to play…and quickly get sleepy. I had grand poker-filled plans for the weekend, but there was always something else to do. I got more pleasure out of watching Joe and CJ at Full Tilt, and playing a .01/.02 NL game at Stars then I did trying my hand in a tourney or playing a “real” cash game.

Part of it is boredom. A large part though is frustration with myself for continuing to make mistakes in play, and for realizing how little I really know about this game, despite the time I’ve put in to it.

Adam‘s been a big help with that. Limit players taught me how to play poker. I came into NL with that limit mentality in mind, which doesn’t really translate well. Simple little things get pointed out to me, which I can have no other response to than to say “You’re right”. Fortunately I don’t know any person who gets tired of hearing that. But I get tired of feeling a bit like a fraud – that the way I’ve been looking at things will never get me anywhere, and not having a sure idea of which direction to move in now.

I’m not sure if that made any sense. Suffice to say though that I need to disconnect for a while – unplug from this wonderful wacky little world we’ve created, and really focus on other things. Like memorizing those last few Spanish verbs that just won’t stick in my mind for whatever reason. Figuring out why the hell my laptop will no longer read the memory card from my digital camera. Writing reviews. Deciding what step I want to take next with my game. Making up for nine years lost time with the greatest group of guys I’ve ever known. They have lives that I never would have imagined for them, and I am thrilled to be a part of them again, even if I’m no longer the only girl, and have to share them with their wives and girlfriends.

You might find me a poker table this week, but it’ll likely be for very low stakes. I still have work to do, so I can’t disconnect completely. But I think a real break will leave me rejuvinated for Vegas. Right now what I’m looking forward to most about the trip is Sunday in the sportsbook – you know things are grim when the thought of sitting in the poker room at the MGM Grand doesn’t really move me all that much.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving, and Joanne, I hope you have a great 4th Thursday of November.