Six Sigmas Straight to Hell

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When dealt two cards in Texas Hold’em, your odds of having pocket Aces are 220:1. Once every 22 orbits, you should pick up Bullets.

I’m on hand 1,000 and I still haven’t seen them. I’ve been playing .50/1 NL for the last two days, and despite having tons of pocket pairs and AK more times than I can keep track of, AA has eluded me, and I’ve began to announce it to the table.

“We’re on 1,000 now boys, any minute now,” I type. Coyote, a solid player who won 5 buyins the night before, has been witness to this entire chain of events.

“Just wait, you’ll get it twice in a row to compensate,” he offers.
“Nah, just watch, I’ll raise and pick up the blinds,” is my retort.

Right now, I’ve been playing pretty tight, so there’s the fear that I might not be too far off. I’ve made a few blind steals and people have believed my continuation bets. I called Coyote’s raise on the button with QJs and after he bet out on a queen-high flop, I raised him a nice amount. He showed KQ and mucked, and I obliged and showed mine.

Just in case those Aces come, I reason.

Yesterday was another futile situation. Besides the AA drought, I must have had 26 pocket pairs and only one flopped set. However, I got my mileage out of it: 44 hit a 455 flop against KK and I doubled up. You better believe I almost broke my Caps lock on that one.

Hand 1,025 and I’m pleased to see a free flop in the BB with Q9. I’m even happier when the flop comes JT3, but there’s 4 people in the hand besides me so I’m forced to check. But everyone follows.

The turn is a 5, and puts a 2nd heart in the board. I wonder what’s going on and make a bet. 4 bucks into a 5 dollar pot. If someone raises me i’m done with it, if not I’ve built something nice to possibly hit on the river. Two guys come along, and now the pot is something worth caring about.

The river’s a glorious eight, but wait — It’s a third heart. God, now what to do? If i bet out, and I get raised, I can’t call. At this limit, someone chasing is more than conceivable, and the guy in LP i’ve seen make some really bad chases in the past. I check.

The more solid guy bets out 10 bucks, and LP raises up to 40. I swear audibly, almost waking Kori up in the process. I know I’m making a good laydown here, but I feel like a pussy. Fold. For some reason it doesn’t on the first click, and I slam my finger down on the mouse on the second try, which works.

The guy in early position thinks for a very *very* long while and calls — and LP shows TJ for a flopped two pair. EP mucks.

I look up and at that exact moment, Bill Gazes is on TV, watching the AIS crack his aces with a flopped straight and cheat him out of a few hundred thousand dollars. Despite the situation, it actually takes me a few minutes to admit that mayyyyybe Bill has it worse than I do, kinda sorta.

Well, this is prerecorded, so at *this* exact moment…

“I folded the straight.”
“Q9?” Coyote asks.
“Yep. Queen Freakin’ Nine.”
“Shoulda bet the river.”
“Thanks, Mr. Hindsight.”

A few minutes later I’m busy watching a guy four years younger than me take down a WPT title on TV, so I almost miss Hand 1,033: Pocket Aces. I quickly do the math in my head figured it out later, there’s a .9% chance that you can go that long without getting Aces. But now, I have them, and I’m in the big blinds.

And there’s a fold.
And another fold.
And a few more after that.
And it’s folded to the button, who takes 15 seconds to decide that stealing isn’t a good idea.
And then there’s the whiny bitch dude who screamed for 20 minutes last night because someone hit his gutshot, and I haven’t let him forget how much of a whiny bitch he is. Perhaps he’ll take his revenge now. Perhaps I’ll receive that which I now desire most, now that I have aces: Action to go with it.

He folds, and I show my Aces to the table with an extreme amount of pride. Coyote laughs.

“Dude, you were right, you got the blinds.”
“Bow to the intimidation of my posted big blind.”
“Yeah, I read you for strength the way the animation did it.”

I played maybe an orbit before signing off, as I’d cleared my bonus.

Would you ever guess from the tone of this post that I was up for the last three days?