Emails from Scott: Red Sox vs Astros

If you haven’t noticed yet, either because you’re living under a rock, or you have no interest in baseball and no friends who have an interest in baseball (in which case, I am so so sorry for you) – it’s getting to be baseball time. Pitchers and catchers have reported, Spring Training is underway, and some people are starting to get a little rabid about it.

Having been born and raised in Houston, the Astros are my team; heartbreaking though that often is. I have a fondness for the A’s, due in part to their having Longhorn alum and total hottie Huston Street on their team at the time my baseball obsession began. That fondness has wained somewhat, but JoeSpeaker helps to keep it alive, plus they’re in my new hood more or less. But my secondary team, really, is the Red Sox. Part HBO endlessly playing Fever Pitch during that year this all started, part best friend/boss who was obsessed with the team and would from time to time suggest leaving the office early in order to make it to the bar to watch the Red Sox play. Also there was the cell phone ring tone and the constant score updates. All uber helpful for dating a guy from the Boston area; the groundwork for my fandom having already been laid. Though Scott is not content for the Red Sox to take the #2 slot.

April eventually you are going to have to cut the Astros out of your life. They are like a bad boyfriend that comes over to your house at 2 am after a night of drinking. They are going to fuck you and not call you again until they are drunk. After they leave you there in a pile of unsatisfied womanhood they are going to take all the cash out of your wallet, kick your dog, raid your fridge and steal your panties to show to their friends. They are no good.


Life with the Red Sox is not always satisfying but when they get it right it is the sweetest love making ever. After they are done they offer to make you breakfast while you take a shower and even tidy up the living room for you. Yeah they might not call you everyday but when they do it is special, they remember your birthday. I get why you are hesitant, you have been with the Astros for so long that you think it is ok what they do to you. You think it is not their fault, it is somehow your fault when they hurt you. April you are better than that. You deserve a team with a great pitching staff. You deserve a team that made GREAT offseason moves. You deserve a team that has plugged all their holes in the infield and has gotten the entire roster healthy and ready for the season.


April life between now and October doesn’t have to hurt. It is time for you to let them go and start anew. Red Sox nation is here for you with open arms, willing to accept you and will never bring up your past.


Make the switch April.

I’m not sure if the Red Sox are hiring for a marketing coordinator, but DAMN they should at least consider Scott as an intern.

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4 thoughts on “Emails from Scott: Red Sox vs Astros

  1. Jason Nassi says:

    And we are a nation. Just don’t wear a pink hat.

  2. April says:

    I’m a little offended you would even think that I would even CONSIDER such a thing.

  3. JoeSpeaker says:

    Great pitching staff? Let’s not get carried away.

    Lackey — Trending downward (but only $18 million a season!)
    Beckett — O/U on starts made: 20
    Dice-K — The Human Rain Delay

    I’ll give you Lester and Buchholz

    /ducks

  4. ScottMc says:

    Spoken like a true hater Joe. Book it done! Red Sox World Champs!

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