can’t do it

Posted by in Not Poker

“Look at me! Evaluate and rate me. I’m good good good and oh so smart. Grade me!”

I’m reminded of episode 21 from the Simpsons 6th season*, in which the teachers go on strike and Lisa suffers from lack of constant affirmation. In my case, it’s not that I want or need such feedback, but rather I am finding it hard to function without the promise of such waiting for me at my conclusion. In short, it would appear that I’ve forgotten how to write just for the hell of it. It’s ironic, since one of my goals when I started this blog was to “re-learn” how to write about real things, since my only writing had been policies and procedures for years prior. I wanted to get out of that very technical mindset so I could better transition to writing for school. And now here I am, unable to break out of the educational restraints.

I used to write (I thought) fairly well, and when I sit down to try and write now, I expect my results to be somewhat on par with my previous work. But it’s not. I spent an hour trying to write about the only poker-related topic I can be the blogging expert on (laptops in college classes), only to trash it because it kinda sucked. I can’t move backwards, yet I’ll never move forwards if I don’t write at all.

So I have to re-learn again, and it’s a real struggle. I need to try the 10 minutes a day thing, even if it’s just writing to myself. I’ve considered audio blogs, on the premise that if I could just get my thoughts out there in some form, it might jump start creativity elsewhere. But since I have the memory of a goldfish, you can bet no recording device has yet to join me out for a stroll.

I’ll fix it though. Somehow. Right now, I’m going to hit publish before I let my “this is not A quality work” brain take over and I trash the whole thing instead.

*No, I am not wearing the nerd cape today. But someone over at Wikipedia is.