25 Fun Things to Do in a Cardroom

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This is a repost from my old blog, but i had someone request it so I dug it out. Enjoy!

25 Fun Things to Do in a Cardroom

1. Exclaim “One Time!” for every card that’s dealt to you, and again on every card on the board.
2. Call for the clock as soon as every single player’s betting action begins.
3. Speak your inner monologue aloud while making your betting decisions. Be rude and offensive to people about their playing styles as if they can’t hear you.
4. AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! OY OY OY!!! Every. Single. Hand.
5. Show your cards with excited glee to the imaginary person next to you. Ask for advice.
6. Multi-table in a live casino.
7. When debating making an all-in call, count out your chips individually. Have trouble with the math. When the dealer tries to help, shoo their hand away, annoyed, and start over. (Guaranteed to pick up a tell.)
8. Wear huge headphones to the table. When someone attempts talking to you, talk in a very loud voice. When they ask you to remove your headphones, do so, and then continue to shout.
9. Wear a tuxedo and name tag to the casino. Ask everyone how their evening has been. Try and earn as many tips as possible before the staff catches on.
10. Stack up as many cushions as you can until you don’t actually need a chair.
11. Bring a rack of $3 chips to a 4/8 game. (More plausible in an LA cardroom.)
12. Become extremely angry when told that the bad beat jackpot is not a straight beating two pair.
13. …even if you use both hole cards.
14. Rebuy after every hand you lose, even if it was just a folded blind. Sigh heavily every time you reach for your wallet.
15. Announce every push as being an “Official ‘Degree’ All-in Moment”.
16. Offer a burnt sacrifice to the poker gods before sitting at a table by setting a dollar bill on fire.
17. Loudly and publicly make an over/under bet with a friend on how many times you can ask for a new setup before everyone leaves the table.
18. Claim loudly that you own the copyright on the term “suckout”. Demand royalties any time someone uses it, even at adjacent tables.
19. When you sit down for the first time and the dealer asks if you wish to post, study the table like deciding on how to play a tricky hand. Extra points for staring someone down.
20. Demand that you are able to speak to the elves in the auto-shuffling machine, so you can make sure they’re not trying to cheat you.
21. When signing up on multiple waiting lists, use different initials for each list.
22. If having a bad run, ask the dealer if you can use the Orange or Turquoise deck from now on.
23. When a kill pot is announced, slap a pocketknife down on the table. Stare at the player with the kill button obsessively.
24. Put $2.47 behind.
25. If anyone uses the term “suicide kings”, exclaim loudly “My *father* committed suicide.” Allow the awkward silence to come over the table. Then begin to whistle showtunes and go back to the game.
26. Sit down at a 1/2 table wearing expensive jewlery and shades. Badmouth everyone’s play. Tell everyone how many WPT events you’ve played. Challenge people to play heads up for 1,000 dollars. (Oh wait… people already do this every day, and it’s not funny. Stricken from the record.)